Does anyone else suffer from the pressure and expectation to remain pleasant? Crushed by the weight that kind of expectation comes with? It feels like drowning but not being allowed to show any sign of danger. Bleeding from a gunshot wound but not being allowed to bleed out. You are not allowed to show any sign of distress, any sign of needing help, you are to suffer, suffer alone and smile as if you are not dying.
2. (of persons, manners, disposition, etc.) socially acceptable or adept; polite; amiable;
That’s what I am, that’s what all cool girls are isn’t it? What kind of cool girl speaks her mind and properly communicates their feelings? “I don’t like when you do that, it makes me feel like a concept and less of a human.” That’s not something I would say, it’s not something that any cool girl™would say. No, what we would say is nothing at all or better yet, we would thank them for whatever negative feeling they made us feel because they chose us. Out of every single person they seen or knew, they chose us.
Maybe it’s the boss who decided that we were the lucky one to completely overwork and underpay while expecting us to do more than our position and pay required of us. It was the boss who put the pressure to make all of their wishes come true and then promoted someone else but without considering how that’ll make you feel. Anyone else would’ve told that boss off! Anyone else would’ve told that boss how they relied on them to keep things in order, to help things run smooth. How it was their hard work, their ideas that made things go effectively, how it was them who deserved that promotion because they earned it. Anyone else would’ve caused a scene but not you, you’re the cool girl™, the team player. You sit there, say congratulations on the promotion that should have been yours because you don’t want to seem spoiled, you don’t want to be seen as difficult, unpleasant.
Maybe it’s the romantic partner who decided that you were worthy of their bullshit. It was the partner who decided that you were the lucky winner in the fuck over contest. The partner who let every one of your important words go in one ear and out of the other, losing their value. The one who let your needs go unmet and you aching in desire, dreaming about what being satisfied would be like. The partner who told everyone how happy you were without asking if it was true at all. Anyone else would have broke it off, packed a bag and left after screaming “I deserve to be loved properly.” They would have broke down every issue and how they are off to find what they deserve and be happy. Self respect… self love…. that’s for them, that’s not for you, for me, for us cool girls™. No, we hold our tongues and only use them to pleasure the partner. We don’t bring up our needs, our feelings, our wants and desires, the lack of communication, the emptiness that stands there following us like a shadow. No, We say “look how happy you make me”.
“You’re such a cool girl” they say when you don’t argue, when you don’t make a fuss, when you fake every orgasm, when you hold your tongue and be pleasant. When you take every bit of damage with a smile and say “Thank you, daddy.”.
What is it like ? what is it like being us? Is it only us who were raised to feel like it’s our sense to please and not be pleased? To not be human but to be as pleasant and as perfect as possible? Does anyone else suffer from the pressure and expectation to remain pleasant? Crushed by the weight that kind of expectation comes with?
It feels like drowning but not being allowed to show any sign of danger. Bleeding from a gunshot wound but not being allowed to bleed out. You are not allowed to show any sign of distress, any sign of needing help, you are to suffer, suffer alone and smile as if you are not dying. You must live,breathe and be the identity that was given to you, you must be a cool girl™…but that’s not so cool is it? that’s not right! It’s not you, it’s not me, it’s not us, we are not someone’s cool girl! We are who we are and damn it, it’s time to remember that.